Saturday, April 29
Jake Gyllenhaal is an asshole.
Gyllenhaal Offends Gulf War Veterans

JAKE GYLLENHAAL has shocked American Gulf War veterans by joking they did nothing but "masturbate" during their time in the desert in 1991. The cheeky 25-year-old stars in JARHEAD, a movie exposing the US soldiers' lack of combat in the Middle Eastern conflict. He said, "The US soldiers were sent to the desert for 122 days and they sat in the same tent and did nothing, except a little too much masturbating."
You know what Jake was doing during the Gulf War? Completing the 5th grade, just like me. Unlike me, he is a Hollywood-raised liberal "Buddhist" who likes to star in crap action movies about how global warming will kill us all in like a day. He may have lost that Oscar to Clooney, but he does however win today's STFU award. Congrats, Jake. Shut it.
posted by Jessica at 11:13 PM | Permalink |
Monday, April 24
The Times They Are a-Changin'
Don't look now, but the pro-life movement is winning.

...The polling on abortion since Roe has remained remarkably consistent: Most Americans support reasonable limits on abortion. In Gallup polling since 1973, fewer than 25 percent support the availability of abortion in all circumstances, so-called "abortion on demand." Thus, the position taken by the most extreme pro-abortion groups--the National Organization for Women, NARAL, the ACLU, and others--has the support of fewer than a quarter of the American people. A Zogby poll taken earlier this year found the majority of Americans, in some cases near 70 percent, support pro-life laws currently being considered on the state and national level--from prohibiting taxpayer funding of abortions to lifting requirements that health insurance plans cover the procedure to 24-hour waiting periods and parental notification laws.

The turning point for the pro-life movement may well have been the fight over partial-birth abortion. Most Americans had probably never heard of the procedure before former New Hampshire senator Bob Smith took to the floor of the Senate in 1995 with graphic illustrations of this gruesome procedure that entails a doctor killing a late-term, viable baby at the very moment of birth. Americans were repelled by the procedure and rightly recoiled. Few had suspected that the pitiless logic of Roe would produce this barbarous practice, one the American Medical Association says is never medically necessary to preserve the life or health of the mother.

A large number of Americans also recoiled from the defense of a procedure that even some pro-choice advocates likened to infanticide. NOW and NARAL alienated millions of Americans with a morally obtuse defense of the indefensible. Many Americans concluded that if being for a woman's right to choose meant embracing such a hideous procedure, well, they no longer thought of themselves as pro-choice.

Other factors intervened that generated growing support for the pro-life movement. Since the day it was handed down, Roe has been at war with science and technology. Sonograms and ultrasound imaging were unknown in 1973. Today, millions of mothers get their first glimpse of their babies while they are still in the womb. The development of so-called 4-D ultrasound imaging has undercut pro-abortion efforts to dehumanize the unborn, to depict life in utero as nothing but a lump of unwanted tissue. Advances in pre-and neonatal care mean that babies born prematurely who never would have survived at the time of Roe not only survive, but also thrive and become healthy, happy children. Medical progress has made a scientific shambles of Roe's artificial trimester scheme. cont'd...

posted by Jessica at 10:31 PM | Permalink |
But--but that movie said he was totally kewl!
Andy Garcia is Fed Up With People Who Glorify Che Guevara

Andy Garcia is urging fashion-conscious rebels to stop wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the image of Latino revolutionary Ernesto 'Che' Guevara because they remind Cubans of terrible times. The actor accepts that Guevara stands for rebellion and is seen as a hero to many, but he sees the revolutionary as a butcher who killed millions of his countrymen.

Argentine-born Guevara helped current Cuban leader Fidel Castro overthrow General Fulgencio Batista's government in a guerrilla revolution in the late 1950s.

Garcia, who left Cuba when he was five, says, "I'd be curious to go around and ask them how much they really know about Che. Some people wearing the T-shirt don't even know his name. They know he's some sort of revolutionary, and to wear his image is cool because you feel like a revolutionary. Someone told me the other day that they asked one of these people if they were aware of all the executions that Che was a part of in Cuba and the guy said, 'Well, I don't know if that's true, as if it had been made up to discredit him.' I wish you could say it was made up because that would mean that all those people didn't die under his thumb. That's the tragedy."
posted by Jessica at 10:19 PM | Permalink |
Liberals just can't catch a break.

True to the old George S. Kaufman quote that "satire is what closes on Saturday night," American Dreamz was out of tune with an estimated $3.7 million at 1,500 venues. Writer-director Paul Weitz' politics and pop culture satire cost $17 million to make and featured the stars of his previous hits About a Boy (Hugh Grant) and In Good Company (Dennis Quaid). Distributor Universal Pictures reported an audience breakdown of 62 percent female and 51 percent over 30.

Part of American Dreamz' comedic conceit was a send-up of the top-rated television singing competition American Idol, but it merely fictionalized what the show already does with real contestants: making fun of lousy singers. There was no compelling reason for moviegoers to pay to see what they currently get for free on TV.

You mean spending $17 million to make a movie about Bush being stupid and American Idol being ridiculous didn't make 'em flock to the theaters? Too bad, so sad. I guess there's no money left in jokes that hit their ceiling back in 2002.
posted by Jessica at 12:41 PM | Permalink |
Sunday, April 23
Hollywood as pundit roundup.
Pop Star Pink Attacks Bush in New Song ‘Dear Mr. President’

For those that haven’t heard, the female singer Pink (Alecia Moore) – who quite recently joined PETA in a protest against Kentucky Fried Chicken’s alleged cruelty to animals – has joined the ranks of musicians voicing their opinions against George W. Bush. In her song “Dear Mr. President,” Pink attacks, amongst other things, “No Child Left Behind,” his positions on abortion as well as same-sex marriage, his former drug and alcohol abuse, and, of course, the war in Iraq. Some of her more poignant lyrics include:

* How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
* How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
* What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
* And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
* You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

On 'The Sopranos,' Mob Boss's Daughter Denounces Bush for Abusing Civil Rights

Another fresh episode of The Sopranos, HBO's series about a New Jersey Mob boss and his family, will air tonight (Sunday), and that reminded me of a left-wing shot at President Bush's anti-terrorism policies, which aired on last Sunday's edition. Daughter “Meadow Soprano,” played by Jamie-Lynn Sigler, is a volunteer at a legal aid clinic where she meets an Afghan family whose son was arrested. "The government is just completely fucking this family over," she later complains while sitting next to her boyfriend “Finn” at the kitchen counter of her parent's home, adding: "The FBI snatched their son off the street like we're some Third World dictatorship." When her younger brother suggests that maybe the guy is a terrorist, she angrily retorts: "9/11, 9/11. Bush is using it as an excuse to erode our constitutional protections and you're falling for it!"

Neil Young Talks About His New Song ‘Let’s Impeach the President’

The controversial country rock singer Neil Young was interviewed on CNN’s “Showbiz Tonight” Tuesday evening (video link to follow). During the segment, Young talked about his new album which is largely devoted to anti-Bush and anti-war themes.

When CNN’s Sibila Vargas asked Young if impeachment, as discussed in his new song "Let's Impeach the President," was called for, Young responded:

“Yes, yes, I think it is. I think it`s called for, and so do a lot of other people. As a matter of fact, when I played in there for 100 people, they all stood up and gave me a standing ovation. There wasn`t one person that wasn`t standing. And we were looking for that kind of backing.”

As his answer ensued, Young made clear what this “backing” was:

“That`s what happened when I did it with 100 people singing with me at Capitol Records, one of our great, old American record companies, in their great studio, with 100 studio musicians, the best singers in L.A. All of them there, as union members, a union session that lasted 12 hours to sing all of these songs. After that song, they all stood up, and they cheered, and they just went wild. And you can hear it on the record.”

Hmmm. 100 union singers from Los Angeles being anti-Bush was what Young saw as a good show of support for his impeachment views. That’s like being pleased to find Yankee fans in the Bronx.

I was going to rise above the urge to say "a Southern man don't need him around anyhow," but I don't have that much willpower.
posted by Jessica at 3:40 PM | Permalink |
Exchange of the day.
ABC ‘THIS WEEKHOST GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: On another—on another front, excuse me, CIA official Mary McCarthy lost her job this week for disclosing classified information according to the CIA probably about a WASHINGTON POST story which reveal revealed the existence of secret prisons in Europe. A lot of different views. Senator Pat Roberts praised action but some former CIA officers described Mary McCarthy as a sacrificial lamb acting in the finest American tradition by revealing human rights violations. What’s your view?

SEN. KERRY: Well, I read that. I don’t know whether she did it or not so it’s hard to have a view on it. Here’s my fundamental view of this, that you have somebody being fired from the CIA for allegedly telling the truth, and you have no one fired from the white house for revealing a CIA agent in order to support a lie. That underscores what’s really wrong in Washington, DC Here.

STEPHANOPOULOS: That’s one issue of hypocrisy but should a CIA officer be able to make decisions on his or her—
KERRY: ... Of course not. Of course, not. A CIA agent has the obligation to uphold the law and clearly leaking is against the law, and nobody should leak. I don’t like leaking. But if you’re leaking to tell the truth, Americans are going to look at that, at least mitigate or think about what are the consequences that you, you know, put on that person. Obviously they’re not going to keep their job, but there are other larger issues here. You know, classification in Washington is a tool that is used to hide the truth from the American people. Daniel Patrick Moynihan was eloquent and forceful in always talking about how we needed to, you know, end this endless declassification that takes place in this city, and it has become a tool to hide the truth from Americans.

SEN. KERRY: So I’m glad she told the truth but she’s going to obviously—if she did it, if she did it, suffer the consequences of breaking the law.

Almost the President, y'all. Almost the President...
posted by Jessica at 3:38 PM | Permalink |
Thursday, April 20
My new weekly rant on American Idol
American Idol to Taylor: 'You wanna dance? We'll make you dance.'

American Idol: Top 7 Elimination
So once again we get hit with the two groups. As I've mentioned before, I hate this. It's so manipulative because it really puts the contestant in the middle in an awkward position. And they can use it make a contestant look bad (George Huff) or like a saint (Bo Bice). But GO Taylor for flipping the whole thing around! I bet the producers didn't see that coming. Major props to him for that.

So, Ace getting the boot was a shock? Not so much, although I was kind of expecting a curve ball. I just think it's funny that this is the man who was supposed to dethrone Constantine, and he can't even surpass his rank. And then he leaves with one good performance under his belt. And that was a loooong time ago.

Anyways, I'm going to miss Ace. Really. He was entertaining in all the wrong ways, and every season needs someone like that. I'm really going to miss his weird, oddly pale brother sitting the audience week after week after week. Look's like someone is gonna have to get a life of his own.

Also needing a life of their own? Me. Because I am this show's bitch. It's amazing I've never posted anything about it before, but I am pyschotically obessed with American Idol. Since season two. What's not to love? It's the best scripted soap opera on television that doesn't involve Mark Burnett or political pundits. Every year the producers have a Chosen One they want to win, and they will do everything in their power to manipulate America into voting for said contestant. Simon Cowell is the Karl Rove of reality television. And inevitably, every year America chooses another contestant that they prefer, and it is always the one person the powers that be crap their pants in terror that they might actually have to market him. (It's never been a woman. Although the monster they've created that is Pick Pickler may become the first) First it was Clay Aiken. God how Simon hated Clay Aiken. They did everything in their power to derail him that season, from calling him gay to mocking his wardrobe to criticizing his song choice after it had been forced on him the day before. It was breathtaking to behold. Last year they were terrified that Bo was going to run away with the competition, because it's much harder to market a 30-year old 1970's classic rock throwback (albeit an AWESOME one) than a gorgeous, naive 20-year old country singer. And now there's Taylor Hicks. He's their worst Aiken/Bice nightmares all rolled into one. He was probably put into the competition as a novelty act to boost ratings, and it backfired all over their asses. He has a rabid fanbase approaching Claymate status, by all accounts the highest vote totals each week, and to make matters worse, Chris, The Chosen One, is falling in the votes. Hence last week's Sophie's Choice moment, designed to make Hicks look like a dickwad no matter what he did. I've got to give the producers credit for that one. They even had Seacrest parked in the middle of the stage so he couldn't pull a Bo and stand between the groups. So deliciously devious.
Here's my take on what happened:
When I saw the seating positions on the couch I knew they were gonna George Huff him into picking sides, and I'm pretty sure he knew it too. By the time he knew for sure, he looked like he was going to go postal all over Ryan's metrosexual ass. They conveniently cut to commercial so he couldn't protest, thus giving them ample time to tell him that if he pulled any "middle of the road" crap he'd be singing I'm a Little Teapot next week. Granted, it would be the awesomest soulful version evah, but still probably not all that enticing. So what's a boy to do?

1. Stand in the middle anyway, so the producers can get mad at you and everyone else can say you copied Bo.
2. Go stand by Ace, who has been in the bottom three ninety weeks in a row and look like a dumbass.
3. Go stand by Katharine and wait for America to get mad at you for not acknowledging the other group.
4. Go stand by the judges, who are obviously safe, and enjoy the articles written the next day about what a camera whore you are.

Taylor managed a 5th option, which was faking out Seacrest and giving the finger to the producers by first going where they wanted him to, shaking Chris' hand like "sucks to be us," and then turning around like "but I'm not that stupid."

I'm now watching the show for the sheer entertainment value of how the producers play the contestants and the audience like tiny, mindless fiddles. Judging by how many people I know who don't think Kellie Pickler is the fakest faker in faketown, I think it's working. If Paris doesn't go this week it will be a miracle, but Katharine McPhee is in the perfect position to become this year's most shocking boot, so my money's on one of them. The good news is that it will set Pickler up to be the season five villain, and it will be too fabulous for words. Nothing will keep me from emphatically stating the the final two will be Taylor and Chris, with Chris winning the whole thing. Nothing except next week's machinations. And therein lies the beauty of the Idol machine.
posted by Jessica at 4:34 PM | Permalink |
This just gets better and better.

Cruise Baby Name Blunder
Language experts are amazed TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES have named their baby daughter SURI - because there is no record of the name meaning "Princess" in Hebrew. According to Hebrew linguists, Suri has only two meanings - one is a person from Syria and the other "go away" when addressed to a female. Hebrew expert JONATHAN WENT says, "I think it's fair to say they have made a mistake here. There are variations of the way the Hebrew name for princess is spelt but I have never seen it this way." Suri can also be translated into a Hindi boy's name, and it also means "pointy nose" in some Indian dialects and "pickpocket" in Japanese.
In Xenuian it means "My father is a giant dumbass, and my mother is being held against her will. Help us."
posted by Jessica at 4:24 PM | Permalink |
Tell me how this is NOT a sign of the apocalypse?
Hollywood enemies spawn simultaneously

So there was no lack of fanfare at Suri’s arrival yesterday, which triggered all the expected headlines about a 'TomKitten', dominated the evening news and prompted speculation about whether Cruise had, as he had jokingly pledged, eaten the placenta.

But back to the happy timing. Not only was Suri in sync with the MI:III publicity juggernaut, she managed to upstage the arrival of actress Brooke Shields‘ new daughter, Grier.

This matters because Cruise and Shields, who gave birth just a few miles away in Los Angeles, are arch enemies who last year engaged in a public spat over a not unrelated topic - postnatal depression.

It seemed that no sooner had Shields, 40, released a statement about Grier’s arrival via People magazine than Cruise’s spokesman Arnold Robinson was cranking out a press release: "Tom Cruise, 43, and his fiancee, Katie Holmes, 27, joyously welcomed the arrival of a baby girl, Suri, today,” he wrote.

A coincidence, no doubt. But the top entertainment story of the moment (Brooke’s baby) was immediately ousted by little Suri.

After Shields gave birth to her first baby, also a girl, in 2003, she wrote a book about postnatal depression, describing how she battled the condition and recovered with the help of Paxil, an anti-depressant.

Her revelations prompted unsolicited and fiery comments from Cruise, who attacked her use of drugs, asserting there was no such thing as a chemical imbalance, that psychiatry was a form of pseudoscience" and all psychiatric problems could be cured through "vitamins and exercise".

Shields responded with a New York Times piece, What Tom Cruise Doesn’t Know About Oestrogen, that described the actor's comments as "irresponsible and dangerous”. She said she "wouldn't take advice from someone who devotes his life to creatures from outer space" and that Cruise "should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decide what treatment options are best for them".

Not that there’s any suggestion the battle could continue down the generations but Suri was also a few pounds heavier than Grier. Watch out, Shields Jnr.

In the meantime let’s just hope for Katie’s sake she doesn’t experience any post baby blues.

Silly rabbit. The real battle will be the forces of good versus the forces of evil for the fate of planet earth. No matter which side comes out on top, guarantee you Cruise will get $30 million to star in the movie version.

posted by Jessica at 4:20 PM | Permalink |
Because "Jane" and "Susie" were taken.
Guess Baby Cruise's Name

There we were busy snoozing, when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby decided it'd had enough of being 'the bump'.

So out she came.

And true to form, Tom and Katie have picked a name on the different side of regular.

Step forward (in a wiggling baby style) Suri Cruise.

A spokesman said the couple "joyously welcomed" Suri, who weighed in at 7lbs 7oz and measured 20ins.

He added: "Both mother and daughter are doing well."

But did Tom really eat the placenta? After telling GQ magazine he was ready to "eat the cord and the placenta right there", he later revealed that he was only joking. The card.

And the reason behind the name?

It has a clever double meaning... in Hebrew it means "princess" and in Persian it means "red rose".

There's been no chat yet whether Katie let out the odd squeal or squeak, although before the birth, Tom did gallantly say that Katie was free to "make as much noise" whilst giving birth as she wanted to. What a man.

This comes after revelations that Tom's Scientology belief dictated that a silent birth was the way forward.

I'm not sure what it is about celebrities that compels them to only name their children names that will ensure that they will get the living crap beaten out of them on the playground, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with neural effects due to overexposure to flash photography. Bonus points here for planning to raise your daughter as a Scientologist with a Jewish/Muslim name. Sucks that Tom doesn't believe in psychiatry, because this girl already needs a therapist, and she's only two days old.
posted by Jessica at 4:12 PM | Permalink |
Julia Roberts gives her regards to Broadway. Broadway could not be reached for comment.

Julia Roberts On Broadway Bad Review Round-Up

· "Your heart goes out to her when she makes her entrance in the first act and freezes with the unyielding stiffness of an industrial lamppost, as if to move too much might invite falling." [NY Times]
· "A major problem in this production is that there's no chemistry between Roberts and the men. " [NY Daily News]

· "Two and a half hours of Julia Roberts. One hundred and fifty minutes of tedium...You would think she'd be able to handle a Southern accent, but her voice wanders all over the 48 contiguous states, sometimes within the same sentence." [Boston Globe]
· "In her Broadway premiere, Julia Robert is awkward and disappointing in a self-conscious performance that is merely a shadow of her confidence and charm on film." [AM New York]
· "HATED the play. To be sadly honest, even hated her... Why, for heaven's sake, did Julia Roberts, film star extraordinary and box-office attraction incredible, decide to make her professional stage debut at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre in last night's half-baked, fully drenched revival of Richard Greenberg's 1997 play, "Three Days of Rain"?" [NY Post]
· "Ultimately, Roberts is unable to flesh out the indistinct contours of an unsatisfyingly written role." [Variety]

Oh! More quotes to leave you with, this time from Julia herself:

"The man's [Bush] embarrassing. He's not my president and he never will be either."

"Republican comes in the dictionary just after reptile and just above repugnant."

It seems karma, much like overpaid actresses who used to be really pretty and at least marginally talented, is a bitch. Don't quit your day job, Julia. Oh wait...
posted by Jessica at 4:05 PM | Permalink |
Right Wing News on Republicans and racism
Let's See Just How Racist Conservatives Are

1. Emancipation Proclamation issued by...a Republican President.

2. Slavery abolished under...a Republican President and a Republican Congress.

3. Japanese interned under a, wait...sorry, that was a Democrat.

4. (Percentage wise), more Republicans voted for the Civil Rights Act than Democrats. They must've had some ulterior racist motive of which only they were aware.

5. Affirmative Action implemented under a Republican President (Nixon).

6. First black Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, as well as first black Secretary of State, under a Republican President.

7. First black woman named as Secretary of State...under a Republican President.

8. Still, lots and lots of KKK members in Congress are part of the Republican Party. mistake again - Byrd is the only one I found (and he's a Democrat).

9. Republicans oppose the school choice and vouchers that the...majority of blacks support. Oops, my mistake again - Republicans support them while Democrats oppose them.

10. Well, at least the majority of blacks are pro-choice, right? Nope, most

11. Well, at least most support gay marriage. Sorry, my mistake again. Once more, Republicans are more in line with majority black views than Democrats.

12. Republicans throw Oreo cookies people running for Congress. Darn, that's the Dems, too.

13. Republicans enacted the Jim Crow laws. Nope, wrong again.

14. Republicans are racist because the Democrats say we are. That's about as close as I can get.

posted by Jessica at 3:57 PM | Permalink |
Monday, April 17
We've certainly done our job now.
Ruined Treasures in Babylon Await an Iraq Without Fighting

...But Iraqi leaders and United Nations officials are not giving up on it. They are working assiduously to restore Babylon, home to one of the Seven Wonders of the World, and turn it into a cultural center and possibly even an Iraqi theme park.

Oh the fun I can have with this. *rubs hands together mischievously*

Proposed rides:

Euphrates Cruise
Ali Babba's Wild Ride
Pirates of the Persian Gulf
Haunted Sunni Mansion
The Big Fertile Crescent Railroad
The Hall of Emirs
Tower of Babel
Mad Boba Party
Saddam's Treehouse, and...
It's a Small World. Because in any culture, in any country, it will track you down and sing, sing until your ears bleed and the walls of the padded room close in on you.
posted by Jessica at 9:32 PM | Permalink |
Wednesday, April 12
Tom Cruise is a crazy douchebag. Also, the sky is blue.
Tom Cruise is attacking those who prescribe psychiatric drugs again in the May (06) issue of men's style magazine GQ. The actor, who embarked on an anti-drug tirade in TV interviews last summer (05) on behalf of his Scientology beliefs, has launched a fresh attack on psychiatry, calling for prescription pill poppers to think carefully about the harms they're doing to their bodies. He tells the magazine, "I've always found the 'if it makes me feel better, it's OK' rationale a little suspect. "I think it's appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get off drugs." In the interview, the actor claims he can get someone off heroin in three days through Scientology's detox programmes.

If he had any, I'd kind of want to kick him in the balls. Usually insane cultists have the decency to stay on their compounds and don't feel the need to pop up on every media outlet known to man and thetan.
posted by Jessica at 1:09 AM | Permalink |
Test audiences are smart.
Philip Seymour Hoffman Steals 'M: I3'

There’s word from the top parts of the Paramount machine about "Mission: Impossible 3."

The good news is that the execs seem to like the picture, which is finished, “locked” as they say, ready to go on May 5. Less than 30 days out, only Paramount execs and test groups have even seen the action adventure thriller.

My sources say, “The film is all about Philip Seymour Hoffman. He really carries the picture.”

Uh, but what about Tom Cruise, the star? “Tom’s good, but Phil makes an incredible villain. He has the best lines. You won’t forget him.”

Hoffman comes into “M: I3” with an Academy Award. I’m told audiences in test screenings have cheered for him. But I’m also told the same audiences cheered for something else.

“There’s a scene where Tom gets beaten up pretty badly,” says a Paramount insider. “And the test audience clapped. It was kind of weird. You’d think Tom’s people wouldn’t have allowed it to stay in the film.”

Muahahaha. It would've been weirder if they HADN'T clapped.
posted by Jessica at 1:06 AM | Permalink |
Tuesday, April 11
Celebrities suck.
I know I haven't posted in forever, but I've been too bored to type. Come on, Congress, give me something I can work with!

In other hilariously funny to me news, Gwyneth Paltrow has just given birth to a son.

Welcome to earth, Moses Martin! Sorry your mother's such a pretentious b*tch.

Why oh why do I have an image of a poor little blond-haired, blue-eyed boy dressed in haute couture getting pummeled on a British playground while his mates chant "Part THIS, asshole!"
posted by Jessica at 12:48 AM | Permalink |