American Idol to Taylor: 'You wanna dance? We'll make you dance.'

American Idol: Top 7 Elimination

So once again we get hit with the two groups. As I've mentioned before, I hate this. It's so manipulative because it really puts the contestant in the middle in an awkward position. And they can use it make a contestant look bad (George Huff) or like a saint (Bo Bice). But GO Taylor for flipping the whole thing around! I bet the producers didn't see that coming. Major props to him for that.

So, Ace getting the boot was a shock? Not so much, although I was kind of expecting a curve ball. I just think it's funny that this is the man who was supposed to dethrone Constantine, and he can't even surpass his rank. And then he leaves with one good performance under his belt. And that was a loooong time ago.

Anyways, I'm going to miss Ace. Really. He was entertaining in all the wrong ways, and every season needs someone like that. I'm really going to miss his weird, oddly pale brother sitting the audience week after week after week. Look's like someone is gonna have to get a life of his own.

Also needing a life of their own? Me. Because I am this show's bitch. It's amazing I've never posted anything about it before, but I am pyschotically obessed with American Idol. Since season two. What's not to love? It's the best scripted soap opera on television that doesn't involve Mark Burnett or political pundits. Every year the producers have a Chosen One they want to win, and they will do everything in their power to manipulate America into voting for said contestant. Simon Cowell is the Karl Rove of reality television. And inevitably, every year America chooses another contestant that they prefer, and it is always the one person the powers that be crap their pants in terror that they might actually have to market him. (It's never been a woman. Although the monster they've created that is Pick Pickler may become the first) First it was Clay Aiken. God how Simon hated Clay Aiken. They did everything in their power to derail him that season, from calling him gay to mocking his wardrobe to criticizing his song choice after it had been forced on him the day before. It was breathtaking to behold. Last year they were terrified that Bo was going to run away with the competition, because it's much harder to market a 30-year old 1970's classic rock throwback (albeit an AWESOME one) than a gorgeous, naive 20-year old country singer. And now there's Taylor Hicks. He's their worst Aiken/Bice nightmares all rolled into one. He was probably put into the competition as a novelty act to boost ratings, and it backfired all over their asses. He has a rabid fanbase approaching Claymate status, by all accounts the highest vote totals each week, and to make matters worse, Chris, The Chosen One, is falling in the votes. Hence last week's Sophie's Choice moment, designed to make Hicks look like a dickwad no matter what he did. I've got to give the producers credit for that one. They even had Seacrest parked in the middle of the stage so he couldn't pull a Bo and stand between the groups. So deliciously devious.
Here's my take on what happened:
When I saw the seating positions on the couch I knew they were gonna George Huff him into picking sides, and I'm pretty sure he knew it too. By the time he knew for sure, he looked like he was going to go postal all over Ryan's metrosexual ass. They conveniently cut to commercial so he couldn't protest, thus giving them ample time to tell him that if he pulled any "middle of the road" crap he'd be singing I'm a Little Teapot next week. Granted, it would be the awesomest soulful version evah, but still probably not all that enticing. So what's a boy to do?

1. Stand in the middle anyway, so the producers can get mad at you and everyone else can say you copied Bo.
2. Go stand by Ace, who has been in the bottom three ninety weeks in a row and look like a dumbass.
3. Go stand by Katharine and wait for America to get mad at you for not acknowledging the other group.
4. Go stand by the judges, who are obviously safe, and enjoy the articles written the next day about what a camera whore you are.

Taylor managed a 5th option, which was faking out Seacrest and giving the finger to the producers by first going where they wanted him to, shaking Chris' hand like "sucks to be us," and then turning around like "but I'm not that stupid."

I'm now watching the show for the sheer entertainment value of how the producers play the contestants and the audience like tiny, mindless fiddles. Judging by how many people I know who don't think Kellie Pickler is the fakest faker in faketown, I think it's working. If Paris doesn't go this week it will be a miracle, but Katharine McPhee is in the perfect position to become this year's most shocking boot, so my money's on one of them. The good news is that it will set Pickler up to be the season five villain, and it will be too fabulous for words. Nothing will keep me from emphatically stating the the final two will be Taylor and Chris, with Chris winning the whole thing. Nothing except next week's machinations. And therein lies the beauty of the Idol machine.