Three months after her birth, Baby Suri, is still unseen, even by the family’s closest friends. A source says Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show her off to fellow Scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston and Lisa Marie Presley. Even good pals Will and Jada Pinkett Smith supposedly have not met her, despite repeated calls to Cruise. “Every time, it’s a different excuse: He’s busy or Kate’s not feeling well,” says a source. ‘[The Smiths] think it’s so weird.”

Soon after the baby was born, photo agency WireImage approached multiple outlets (including Us) with the news that it would be offering pictures of Suri for auction. Days later, on May 11, before official bidding was even underway, the agency sent out an e-mail declaring that “the baby shoot is on hold for now. There is no additional info as to when this may happen or if it will even happen at all.”

I think it's pretty clear what's happened. The baby, if there ever *was* such a thing, has been sent off for early indoctrination by her Uncle Xenu up on Space Mountain. Tom is busily devising a new voodoo ceremony to sic hundreds of nasty thetans onto Branjelina. And if no one comes up with the $4 million blood money for the baby photos, he will launch a series of no-dong missiles into Long Beach harbor. Katie is, of course, still chained up in the basement frantically trying to text SOS messages to James Van Der Beek with her nose. I mean, duh. I don't see why this warrants an entire cover story. Wasn't there enough intel on the fake Jenvaughnistan engagement? And do you think while any of these reporters were spending a hundred grand getting their journalism degrees they ever thought their lives would revolve around baby bump-spotting and programming celebrity couple nicknames into their spell checks? I know I didn't. Kidding. My degree's in English. And I'm not getting paid, which is infinitely sadder. But I know it, and I think that's the most important part.