Tuesday, December 13
Retrospective
It’s Christmas time, a season for reflecting on the past year and counting your blessings. In honor of said season, I thought I’d repost something I wrote before last year’s election as a reminder that no matter how bad things are looking in the Beltway this week, it could have been oh so much worse…

"25 Reasons I'm Voting for John Kerry”

1. I think that No Child Left Behind is a gigantic failure and that Bush doesn't care about children at all, especially minority children. But I thought that Janet Reno was right on the money in sending that Elian Gonzalez packing back to Cuba.
2. I feel that The Ten Commandments have no place in public school. And neither to Halloween parties, because they are offensive to the Wiccan community.
3. I support freedom of worship for all religions, especially Islam. But man, we have got do something about those damn Christians and Jews.
4. I think that if we’d just signed the Kyoto Treaty all those nice European countries would’ve totally had our back.
5. I have so much money that I will be consumed with guilt if I don’t pretend to care about the unwashed masses. I will not, however, actually give away any of my own money in the process. Rather, I will appear on national television and ask you to donate yours.
6. Halliburton is the root of all evil.
7. Deep down, I really want Pakistan to beat the crap out of Israel.
8. I support leaders who are adulterers, murderers, alcoholics, liars, thieves, and billionaires, because I feel they better understand “middle class values.”
9. I believe the fact that Bush may have, despite all evidence to the contrary, served only 5 ½ of his 6 years in the National Guard makes him unfit to be Commander in Chief. The fact that John Kerry went to Vietnam for four months, shot himself in the arm, and then proceeded to meet with the enemy, calling his fellow officers rapists and murderers, however, makes him a *fabulous* choice.
10. Dick Cheney never served his country and is a spineless bastard for it. Neither did John Edwards, but shhhh, don’t tell.
11. Furthermore, the fact that Bill Clinton was a draft-dodging anti-war activist does not concern me whatsoever. He rules!
12. Bush liberating Afghanistan and Iraq makes us a cruel joke to the rest of the world. Clinton being impeached for lying about oral sex did not.
13. I am pro-choice and anti-death penalty and see absolutely no irony in the fact.
14. I am open, tolerant, and supportive of all races, religions, and beliefs, with the notable exception of Republicans, whom I will shoot at while burning swastikas on their lawns and shoving a “f*** you, demon seed!” sign in their face. Because those sons of bitches are so intolerant they deserve whatever they get.
15. I am stupid enough to allow a multi-millionaire trial attorney convince me he’s for tort reform.
16. I think the mainstream media is completely unbiased, except for that evil right-leaning Fox News.
17. Before October of 2004, I did not know what the word quagmire meant. I now use it in daily conversation.
18. I think that Kerry speaking in black churches about his deep, unbending faith in God is a beautiful gesture, rather than patronizing, blasphemous pandering.
19. I hate George Bush. When pressed, I cannot give a logical argument why, and begin screaming at my challenger instead. I think this makes me look intelligent.
20. I think a Clinton/Kennedy ‘08 ticket is just what the party needs, because Hillary and Ted are almost as good as Bill and John.
21. When I look at Teresa Heinz, I think damn, that is one classy First Lady.
22. I will fight to the death for a woman’s right to partial birth abortion, but Saddam Hussein’s rape rooms were none of my business.
23. I truly believe that Michael Moore is the voice of the people, and that he hates this evil enterprise known as capitalism.
24. I refuse to admit that Bush is the first president to fund stem-cell research and scream “I can’t hear you” when anyone mentions the scientific proof that embryonic stem cells have not helped anyone one tiny bit. At all. Ever.
25. The Kool-Aid tasted too damn good.
 
posted by Jessica at 7:59 PM | Permalink |