Thoughts on the Kodak Theatre Train WreckChris Rock has done the impossible: he made Sean “Puffy/P. Diddy” Combs look classy. The 77th Academy Awards were better than I could have imagined. Keeping in mind that I wanted the show to fail on every possible level, thats one tough task. It’s three in the morning, and you find yourself watching some B-level horror movie on Cinemax. It’s pretty much terrible, and you know you should turn the channel, but something compels you to keep watching. Whatever that something happens to be, it kept me watching the entire four (or was it five?) hour telecast.
Truth be told, I think Chris Rock can be hilariously funny. His comedy routinely leaves me in stitches. But it seems that once he accepted the Oscar gig, every ounce of humor high-tailed it from his body. (A common occurrence for anyone associated with the Academy). In a shameless attempt to bolster ratings, Rock gave an Entertainment Weekly interview last week in which he said awards for art are “idiotic,” that no self-respecting straight (and/or black) man ever watches the show, and that ‘abortion is beautiful,’ a joke taken directly from the movie Dogma. These statements brought about quite a stir amongst the more old-fashioned entertainment community and a personal vendetta for Matt Drudge. I, one the other hand, saw it for what it was: shoddy material. Insulting your target audience and recycling old Kevin Smith jokes is not controversial; it’s just pathetic. Deprived of his favorite crutches, four-letter words and race jokes, Rock gave the Academy exactly what it deserved.
Someone obviously forgot to tell Chris Rock some very fundamental things about his audience. 1) The people in the room have no sense of humor about themselves, and 2) the people watching at home have no sense of humor about celebrity politics. Giving the smackdown to Nicole Kidman, Tobey Maguire, and Jude Law, Rock launched a vitriolic attack on an odd array for celebrities. Kidman's fake smile is no more fake than any other botoxed runner-up, and besides, she already has herself an Oscar. Maguire may just be "a boy in tights,' but those tights earned another $200 million for their studio this year. Law has been in nine billion movies lately, but to ask "who is Jude Law?" is a joke that would've been better served five years ago, when he wasn't an Academy-Award nominated A-List actor. I despise Gwyneth Paltrow, but even I winced when Rock introduced her as “the first person to breastfeed an Apple.” And trust me, if you find yourself making a crack about Joan Rivers, you are one Oprah-Uma joke away from the bottom of the idea barrel, my friend.
The audience gave polite applause and laughs, except for an aghast Kirsten Dunst, and just to make sure he offended the most people possible, Rock went on to talk about-shockingly-politics! As obvious and mandatory as his later Janet Jackson mention, he spent five minutes ranting about President Bush and WMD. How this is relevant in any, way, shape, or form is beyond me. I’m trying to picture Rock’s notes on this.
A) Say I’m not gonna Bush-bash, and then bash Bush.
B) Lavish Michael Moore with praise
C) Compare the loss of human lives to blood- soaked tank tops at The Gap
D) Thank the troops.
And with that, five million television sets clicked over to see what was happening on Fox.
If you were to read today’s papers having not seen last night’s show, you’d probably think it was a smashing success, hilariously irreverent and entertaining. I haven’t seen this much denial since the media claimed John Edwards won the Vice-Presidential debate. Were we watching the same program? Sure, Rock had a few good lines, such as seeing Boat Trip and sending Cuba Gooding eighty dollars, but most of his jokes landed so hard facelifts in the audience started to fall. A very funny intro by Robin Williams and a tribute to Johnny Carson were like rubbing salt in the wound of what could have been. The only way it could’ve been worse is if they tapped Conan O’Brien for hosting duty. Come to think of it, if they wanted “edgy,” they should’ve hired Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. Or Team America’s Kim Jong-il. Now that’s edgy humor. With 364 days until next year’s telecast, I hope someone tore ass over to Ellen Degeneres’s place to start begging her to host. I don’t care how many fruit baskets it takes. She’s the most genuinely funny comic working today. Beg her.