Because, despite my best intentions, I am still a whore for Hollywood (I’m thinking of putting that on a t-shirt), I’m going to amuse myself with my own crackerjack analysis of this year’s Golden Globe nominees.
*disclaimer: I have not seen 95% of the films nominated, nor do I plan to. This does not preclude anyone in the industry from commenting on them, so I feel justified. I have, however, seen about 80% of the television programs nominated, but I will try my best to not let that influence my commentary in any way.
Best Picture-Drama
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
For it: Compared to the other four, even I’m inclined to give it my vote.
Against it: With all those America-hating films to contend with, Mountain just may not be self-loathing enough.
b. THE CONSTANT GARDENER
For it: Western civilization is comprised of evil, vicious, greedy Capitalist drug companies who want to kill as many innocent Africans as possible. Bonus points for calling the Iraq War “Vietnam the Sequel.” How could it lose?
Against it: No gay cowboys.
c. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
For it: A look at Joseph McCarthy’s eeeevvviiiilll fascist and fruitless attempt to keep America from getting nuked by Communists, and how good, kind, and brave journalist Edward Murrow took that rat bastard down. At the end of his fight. After he’d exposed dozens of KGB agents working in the state department. None of which is mentioned. How could these brave, brave filmmakers not be rewarded?
Against it: Bonus points for continuing the false hysteria of McCarthyism, but sadly, no sex scences between Murrow and producer Fred Friendly. Better Luck next time.
d. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
For it: A Bash-bashing leading man is always good, right? Right?
Against it: No one saw any of these nominees, but REALLY no one saw this one.
e. MATCH POINT
For it: Well, at least the main character isn’t a good-looking actor channeling Woody Allen so the director can vicariously score with hot chicks.
Against it: No gay cowboys, no cries of McCarthyism, and no evil drug companies? Oh please.
Should win: Wedding Crashers. What? It may as well.
Will win: Brokeback Mountain
Best Actress-Drama
a. MARIA BELLO, A History of Violence
For her: Critics dig her.
Against her: I think it’s for her and Huffman to duke out.
b. FELICITY HUFFMAN, Transamerica
For her: An actress playing a man who becomes a woman? Score. Plus, getting ugly always wins awards.
Against her: Bello has been taking a lot of the critics awards in this category.
c. GWYNETH PALTROW, Proof
For her: Nothing, apart from the contract with Satan that states Paltrow must receive a nomination every three years, regardless of whether she deserves it, which she never ever has.
Against her: Even the critics trashed this movie.
d. CHARLIZE THERON, North Country
For her: Women’s rights! Yeah, baby! So what if it’s poorly done and ten years too late?
Against her: She’s already won this award with a much better role in a much better movie.
e. ZIYI ZHANG, Memoirs of a Geisha
For her: It’s the Foreign Press. She’s foreign. That’s all I got.
Against her: Neither she nor her film bothered to attack the Bush administration, and the director was insensitive enough to cast Chinese actresses as Japanese characters. We don’t reward racist behavior like that. Plus, man alive did this thing get bad reviews.
Should win: Huffman
Will win: Huffman
Best Actor- Drama
a. RUSSELL CROWE, Cinderella Man
For him: Once again, it’s the Foreign Press. He’s foreign. And that’s all I’ve got.
Against him: He wouldn’t win even if he HADN’T chucked a phone at a hotel clerk’s head.
b. PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, Capote
For him: An inarguably brilliant performance that’s already won him many critic’s awards.
Against him: Mountain has all the momentum, so to speak.
c. TERRENCE HOWARD, Hustle and Flow
For him: A breakout role that has garnered him tons of praise.
Against him: So not the year to play a heterosexual. Plus, we totally did the black thing last year, remember? Jamie Foxx? We only give awards to minorities on leap years. We think that makes us look “progressive.”
d. HEATH LEDGER, Brokeback Mountain
For him: Apparently, it’s his to lose.
Against him: Even if he does win, there’s a 22.6% chance that Jake Gyllenhaal will leap out of his seat and choke the life out of him, screaming, “I was in the movie too, damn you!! I was in the movie TOO.”
e. DAVID STRATHAIRN, Good Night and Good Luck
For him: Oh sure, he put an end to the Black Night of Fascism,
Against him: but was he gay while doing it? Don’t think so.
Should win: Hoffman
Will win: Ledger (It’s close, but with the Globes, the safe bet’s on the foreigners.)
Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture:
a.GEORGE CLOONEY, Syriana
-For Him: The higher budget of Clooney’s grand “America Bash 2005” cinematic offerings this year called for him to get fat. The tragic horrors of getting fat in Hollywood guarantee awards every single time. Plus, the only people who hate America more than Hollywood liberals are Foreign Press liberals. It’s a match made in PC heaven (or whatever your personal view of an afterlife happens to be).
-Against Him: Peel away the dazzling political posturing, and one tiny secret slips out- George Clooney can’t act.
b.MATT DILLON, Crash
-For Him: The only acting performance singled out from an impressive ensemble cast.
-Against Him: The movie was released way the crap back in the Spring. Voters have the attention span of tsetse flies.
c.WILL FERRELL, The Producers
-For Him: Everyone loves The Producers… Yeah, that’s all I got.
-Against Him: Dude, it’s Will Ferrell. I mean, I love the guy to pieces, but critics are snobs. Besides, we don’t want to give Jimmy Fallon any ideas.
d.PAUL GIAMATTI, Cinderella Man
-For Him: He lost Best Actor to Jamie Foxx last year, but critics love him. They could decide to honor him here instead.
-Against Him: Let me get this straight. The man loses for hit-o-the-year Sideways and anyone thinks he can win for a flick outshone by its star’s performance chucking phones at hotel clerks? Bitch please.
e.BOB HOSKINS, Mrs. Henderson Presents
-For Him: It’s the Foreign Press. Foreigners have like three legs up on the competition, and he’s the only one in this category.
-Against Him: Clooney kissed a lot of liberal ass for this nomination, and he’s surely not winning Best Director. They may throw him this bone, so that he can later say, “Yup, I beat that damn Will Ferrell real good.” So proud.
Should Win: Ferrell (Because it’s deliciously sweet to snobby European critics everywhere)
Will Win: Dillon
From:
About me: “'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked. 'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat. 'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.' 'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice. 'You must be,” said the Cat, 'or you wouldn’t have come here.'” -Lewis Carroll