Thursday, February 3
The Democratic response to the State of the Union
*(translated from the original Bullsh*t)

Harry Reid:
I was born and raised in the high desert of Nevada in a tiny
town called Searchlight. My dad was a hard rock miner.
My mom took in wash. I grew up around people of strong
values - even if they rarely talked about them.
They loved their country, worshiped God, never shunned
hard work, and never asked for special favors. My life has
been very different from what I imagined growing up, but
no matter how far I¹ve traveled, Searchlight is still the place
I go back to and still the place I call home.

translation:
I am so scared sh*tless by this whole "values voter" crap that
I'm willing to bring up that god-forsaken wasteland I call
my childhood in order to trick you into thinking I'm "just like
you." You see, I think that everyone who voted for Bush
was a poor, illiterate miner who loves Jesus and can't grasp
all this po-litical talk, so I'll limit all words to two syllables.
Starting now.

Sen. Reid:
A few weeks ago, I joined some friends of mine for a
bite to eat at The Nugget – Searchlight¹s only restaurant.
We were sitting down in a booth, when a young boy, about
10-years-old, named Devon walked up to us.
Carrying a skateboard under his arm, he said, "Senator
Reid, when I grow up I want to be just like you." vWell,
the truth is Devon could probably do a lot better. But the
point still holds and it is this: no one ever had to tell young
Devon to dream big dreams, no one ever had to teach him
that America is a place of possibility.
He knows those things because they are born deep in
all Americans.

trans:
Now I will give examples of my being A Regular Guy,
and not a crusty old rich white man. I eat at diners, see?
I mean ewww. Would I eat friggin' diner food if I weren't
A Regular Guy? There's no Devon of course. Devon's the street
my summer home is on. But kids still like to skateboard, right?
And yeah, it's really reaching to think that a ten-year old these
days could pick Dick Cheney out of a lineup, let alone me,
but dammit, I know there are kids out there who want to be
me when they grow up. Blah blah, born deep in all Americans...
Ignore the fact that "Devon's" big dreams probably consist of
making $30 mill a year throwing a ball through a hoop and hangin'
with those bitches from the MTV beach house, but I'm sure Democratic
United States Senator is at least in the top ten, right under winning
American Idol. Oh, what the hell. I made the little s.o.b. up
anyway. Calm down, Harry! *whispers* My therapist told me I have some
self-esteem issues....

Sen. Reid:
After World War II, through the Marshall Plan, we rebuilt Europe
and they went from poverty to an economic powerhouse. Today,
we need to invest in our nation¹s future with a Marshall Plan for
America – to build the infrastructure our economy needs to go –
and grow. President Eisenhower did that in the 1950s with the
interstate highways. National investment created the Internet in
the 1970s. We need to build the next economy – and we need to
start now.

translation:
I am so hoping right now that you have no idea what the crap
the Marshall Plan even was. Come on, you haven't heard of it
since tenth grade. God, Americans are so self-centered.
Anyway, basically, the democrats have absolutely no plan
of our own. Nope. None. Nada. Zilch. Kerry's secret plans?
Well if they exist, he didn't bother to share them with Nancy
and me. I also hope you skip right over that line about the
internet, because I know you jokesters out there are gonna be
all "I thought Al Gore invented the internet" but it's lame, man.
Move on. Oh yeah, and if any of you heard on the news today
that Germany's unemployment is the lowest since WWII, just
ignore that. It's America's fault anyway.

Sen. Reid:
This 21st century economy holds great promise for our
people. But unless we give all Americans the skills they
need to succeed, countries like India and China will take
good-paying jobs that should be ours. From early childhood
education to better elementary and high schools to making
college more affordable to training workers so they can get
better jobs, Democrats believe every American should have
a world-class education and the skills they need in a world-wide
economy.

trans:
Except that we keep insulting every one of our allies who
don't eat crepes or schnitzel, so our kids can have that world-class
education, but it won't mean crap since India and China will
likely have stopped doing business with us by then. And Japan.
And Australia. And Iraq. But that doesn't matter, because
outsourcing is wrong. What's next? Outsourcing the Senate
seats?... Whaddya mean you hadn't thought of that?

Sen. Reid:
You know, today is Groundhog Day. And what we saw and
heard tonight was a little like that movie, "Groundhog Day."
The same-old ideology that we've heard before – over and
over again. We can do better.

trans:
Ignore the fact that I am repeating John Kerry's platform
verbatim, which we've all heard before- over and over again.
But who are we kidding? We can't do better. And oh, good God,
did I just reference a Bill Murray movie in an address to the
nation??

Sen. Reid:
But maybe most of all, the Bush plan isn't really Social Security
reform. It's more like Social Security roulette. Democrats are
all for giving Americans more of a say and more choices when
it comes to their retirement savings. But that doesn't mean taking
Social Security's guarantee and gambling with it. And that's coming
from a senator who represents Las Vegas.

trans:
I'm so clever I amuse myself. And when I say "more choices,"
I really mean "no choice," and if Bush is playing roulette,
the democrats are out in the casino parking lot listening to
Bob Dylan and waiting for someone else to bring them money.
See, told you I was clever.


 
posted by Jessica at 3:29 PM | Permalink |